Here's one version, the Story of the Rabbit

The rabbit

[11-21-02]


President Bush wants to find out which is the best at catching criminals: the CIA, the FBI, or the New York Police Department.

He decides to give them all a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and asks each of them to catch it.

The CIA goes in first. They take satellite photos, send in animal spies and put microphones in all the trees and plants. After three months they announce that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no progress they burn the forest, killing everything in it, and issue a press statement saying that the rabbit was a terrorist.

Finally, the New York Police Department goes in. They come out two hours later with a very badly beaten bear, which is shouting, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Your WebWeaver recently enjoyed a little article in our Minneapolis paper, which confirmed what you many already suspect: being in a room with one's dog is less stressful than being in the room with one's spouse.

Researchers at the State University of New York at Buffalo studied stress levels of 240 married couples, half of whom had dogs or cats and half of whom did not. Then they administered stress tests to participants while their spouse or their pet was present in the room.. They found that the spouse's presence seemed to cause study subjects to tense up, while pets kept the subjects calm.

So, in honor of our helpful furry friends, here are a few thoughts about dogs, with thanks to Bill Knox who sent these:

Ethics in business: A course outline
by Dominic Hilton, Texas Business School
[8-26-02]

This course lasts for one semester and is run by Professor N. Ron Buggard, author of "Business Morality: A Moron's Guide to an Oxymoron." The course is worth between one and three billion credits, depending on your creative input.

Week 1: An introduction to ethics

Are ethics good for business - or vice versa? This lecture, with accompanying seminar and pie charts, will introduce the student to the once-fashionable notion of ethics. It will outline the main principles of ethical behavior, from duty to obligation, to right and wrong, in all their forms. It will bypass the Kantian (European) notions of ethical action, focusing on the difference between personal ethics, boardroom ethics, golf-course ethics, and public displays of ethics in front of congressional committees.

Week 2: An introduction to business

What is business? And why is it so profitable? This lecture will remind students of the main principles of business, from inflating your figures, to devaluing others' currency. It will ask you to invent a mock stock report, and to imagine a sham profit margin. With reference to real events, it will teach you how to avoid prosecution by either befriending the occupants of the White House, financing the occupants of the White House, or becoming the occupants of the White House.

Week 3: Cooking the books - a few select recipes

Students will learn how to misappropriate funds, turn expenses into profits, shift data among spreadsheets, and hide debts by filtering money through coffee machines.

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Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."

Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

The District Superintendent will be meeting with the church boared.

As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

Thank you, dead friends.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.

Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

[8-2-02]

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I [the usual anonymous Internet source!] wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Polly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.

4. Zippo Mfg, Audi Motor Car, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge to become ZipAudiDoDa.

5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become FairwellHoneychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott NOW!

Not funny? You can thank or blame Bill Knox, who sent this to your WebWeaver.

[7-30-02]

I am so glad prayer doesn't work like voice mail, or that Heaven does not have caller ID!

Aren't you glad there's no voice mail in heaven? Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.
Your call is very important to us.
If you have a touchtone phone press one, all others remain on the line and one of our angels will be with you shortly.

For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

We're sorry. All of our angels, and saints are busy helping others right now.  However, your prayer is very important to us. Please remain on the line and your prayer we will answered in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding... press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven ... press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign.

If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

Thanks to Harold Barton for sharing this.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM GRANDCHILDREN

(all true, says a Texas grandma)

[5-6-02]

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

Certain Lego blocks will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when you're driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Witherspooner Bill Knox has recently moved to Montana, which may explain why he's sharing some wisdom from Will Rogers. Along with that wisdom comes an invitation: Why not tell us which bit of wisdom might be most helpful to the PC(USA) in these parlous times? Or can you offer something better than old Will Rogers?

WebWeaver's note:

To the best of our limited knowledge, the great humorist is no relation of Moderator Jack Rogers, so we hope this will not be regarded as a partisan statement.

The Wisdom of Will Rogers

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

~By Will Rogers~

Now the challenge: Which of these profound insights do you find most appropriate for the PC(USA) today? And (of course) why? Or can you offer a better one of your own?  Please send a note, and we'll share it here.

[4-12-02]

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium." Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization. In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it...

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[4-3-02]

Thanks to Bill Knox for this tidbit from EcuNet's JOKES meeting:

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.