Old Jokes part 2
Well, not old, really - just mature
what's the best way to catch criminals?
Here's one version, the Story of the Rabbit
President Bush wants to find out which is the best at catching
criminals: the CIA, the FBI, or the New York Police Department.
He decides to give them all a test. He
releases a rabbit into a forest and asks each of them to catch
The CIA goes in first. They take
satellite photos, send in animal spies and put microphones in
all the trees and plants. After three months they announce that
the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in next. After two weeks
with no progress they burn the forest, killing everything in it,
and issue a press statement saying that the rabbit was a
Finally, the New York Police Department
goes in. They come out two hours later with a very badly beaten
bear, which is shouting, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a
Thanks to Bill Knox
Your WebWeaver recently enjoyed a little
article in our Minneapolis paper, which confirmed what you many
already suspect: being
in a room with one's dog is less stressful than being in the
room with one's spouse.
Researchers at the State University of New
York at Buffalo studied stress levels of 240 married couples,
half of whom had dogs or cats and half of whom did not. Then
they administered stress tests to participants while their
spouse or their pet was present in the room.. They found that
the spouse's presence seemed to cause study subjects to tense
up, while pets kept the subjects calm.
So, in honor of our helpful furry
friends, here are a few thoughts about dogs, with thanks to Bill
Knox who sent these:
|"The reason a dog has so many friends
is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
|"Don't accept your dog's admiration as
conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann
|"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then
when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers|
|"There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams|
|"A dog is the only thing on earth that
loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings|
|"The average dog is a nicer person
than the average person." -Andrew A. Rooney|
|"Dogs love their friends and bite
their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of
pure love and always have to mix love and hate"
|"If I have any beliefs about
immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to
heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber|
|"A dog teaches a child fidelity,
perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying
down." -Robert Benchley|
|"I wonder if other dogs think poodles
are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner|
|"If your dog is fat, you aren't
getting enough exercise." -Unknown|
|"Outside of a dog, a book is probably
man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to
read." -Groucho Marx|
|"Women and cats will do as they
please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the
in business: A course outline
by Dominic Hilton, Texas Business School
This course lasts for one semester and is run by Professor N.
Ron Buggard, author of "Business Morality: A Moron's Guide
to an Oxymoron." The course is worth between one and three
billion credits, depending on your creative input.
Week 1: An introduction to ethics
Are ethics good for business - or vice versa?
This lecture, with accompanying seminar and pie charts, will
introduce the student to the once-fashionable notion of ethics.
It will outline the main principles of ethical behavior, from
duty to obligation, to right and wrong, in all their forms. It
will bypass the Kantian (European) notions of ethical action,
focusing on the difference between personal ethics, boardroom
ethics, golf-course ethics, and public displays of ethics in
front of congressional committees.
Week 2: An introduction to business
What is business? And why is it so profitable?
This lecture will remind students of the main principles of
business, from inflating your figures, to devaluing others'
currency. It will ask you to invent a mock stock report, and to
imagine a sham profit margin. With reference to real events, it
will teach you how to avoid prosecution by either befriending
the occupants of the White House, financing the occupants of the
White House, or becoming the occupants of the White House.
Week 3: Cooking the books - a few select
Students will learn how to misappropriate
funds, turn expenses into profits, shift data among
spreadsheets, and hide debts by filtering money through coffee
Source: Sojourners 2002 (c) http://www.sojo.net
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for
If you would like to make a donation, fill out
a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln
Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a
sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With
Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth
of their daughter October 12 thru 17.
If you choose to heave during the Postlude,
please do so quietly.
We are grateful for the help of those who
cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the
Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water
baptized on the table in the foyer.
Newsletters are not being sent to absentees
because of their weight.
The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover
level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
The District Superintendent will be meeting
with the church boared.
As soon as the weather clears up, the men will
have a goof outing.
Thank you, dead friends.
Diana and Don request your presents at their
Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His
For the word of God is quick and
powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth
peach to men.
The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
We pray that our people will jumble
An offering from Harry Smith
advice in a time of crisis
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the
AOL/Time Warner implode, I [the usual anonymous Internet
source!] wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next
expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make
some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and
make yourself a bundle.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,
Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become Hale,
Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta
Crackers join forces and become Polly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth
4. Zippo Mfg, Audi Motor Car, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge to become ZipAudiDoDa.
5. Federal Express is expected to join its
major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell
Computers will become FairwellHoneychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected
to become Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National
Organization of Women will become Knott NOW!
Not funny? You can
thank or blame Bill Knox, who sent this to your WebWeaver.
I am so glad prayer doesn't work like voice mail, or that Heaven
does not have caller ID!
Aren't you glad there's no voice mail in
heaven? Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God
decided to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
Your call is very important to us.
If you have a touchtone phone press one, all others remain on
the line and one of our angels will be with you shortly.
For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
We're sorry. All of our angels, and saints are
busy helping others right now. However, your prayer is
very important to us. Please remain on the line and your prayer
we will answered in the order it was received. Please stay on
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are
holding... press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to
Heaven ... press 5, then enter his or her social security
number, followed by the pound sign.
If you receive a negative response, please
hang up and try area code 666.
For reservations at Heaven, please enter
J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about
dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and
where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to
observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after
If you are calling after hours and need
emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you, and have a heavenly day.
Thanks to Harold Barton for
I'VE LEARNED FROM GRANDCHILDREN
(all true, says a Texas
A king size waterbed holds enough
water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust
bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than
200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a
ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound
boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong
enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
When you hear the toilet flush and
the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes
smoke, and lots of it.
Certain Lego blocks will pass
through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
No matter how much Jell-O you put
in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
VCR's do not eject PB&J
sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of
noise when you're driving.
You probably do not want to know
what that odor is.
Thanks once again to Harry
from out of the West [4-25-02]
Witherspooner Bill Knox has recently moved to
Montana, which may explain why he's sharing some wisdom from
Will Rogers. Along with that wisdom comes an invitation: Why not
tell us which bit of wisdom might be most helpful to the PC(USA)
in these parlous times? Or can you offer something better than
old Will Rogers?
To the best of our limited knowledge, the
great humorist is no relation of Moderator Jack Rogers, so we
hope this will not be regarded as a partisan statement.
The Wisdom of Will Rogers
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a
look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion
felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull,
keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.
Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first
thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a
critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their
When you're throwin' your weight around, be
ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to
fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men. The one that
learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of
them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
~By Will Rogers~
Now the challenge: Which of these
profound insights do you find most appropriate for the PC(USA)
today? And (of course) why? Or can you offer a better one of
your own? Please send a
note, and we'll share it here.
new scientific discovery
A major research institution has recently announced the
discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new
element has been tentatively named "Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons. Since Administratium has no
electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount
of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to
complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of three
years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization.
In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads
some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
You will know it when you see it...
Source: SojoNet 2002 (c) http://www.sojo.net
and Computers -
Thanks to Bill Knox for this tidbit from
EcuNet's JOKES meeting:
At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors
issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology
like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would
crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the
road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the
freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side
of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart
it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some
reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as
a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered
by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy
to drive- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator
warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General
Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you
sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever,
your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and
grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car
buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none
of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start"
button to turn the engine off.
For older jokes, click here.
ratified (or not) by the presbyteries
A number of the most important actions of the 219th
General Assembly are now being sent to the presbyteries for their
action, to confirm or reject them as amendments to the PC(USA) Book
We're providing resources to help inform the
reflection and debate, along with updates on the voting.
Our three areas of primary interest are:
which would remove the current ban on
lesbian/gay/bisexual/transgender persons being considered as
possible candidates for ordination as elder or ministers.|
which would add the Belhar Confession to our Book of
10-1, which would adopt the new Form of Government
that was approved by the Assembly. |
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Some blogs worth visiting
Mitch Trigger, PVJ's
Secretary/Communicator, has created a Facebook page where
Witherspoon members and others can gather to exchange news and
views. Mitch and a few others have posted bits of news, both
personal and organizational. But there’s room for more!
You can post your own news and views,
or initiate a conversation about a topic of interest to you.
Voices of Sophia blog
Heather Reichgott, who has created
this new blog for Voices of Sophia, introduces it:
After fifteen years of scholarship
and activism, Voices of Sophia presents a blog. Here, we present the
voices of feminist theologians of all stripes: scholars, clergy,
students, exiles, missionaries, workers, thinkers, artists, lovers
and devotees, from many parts of the world, all children of the God
in whose image women are made. .... This blog seeks to glorify God
through prayer, work, art, and intellectual reflection. Through
articles and ensuing discussion we hope to become an active and
John Harris’ Summit to
Theological and philosophical
reflections on everything between summit to shore, including
kayaking, climbing, religion, spirituality, philosophy, theology,
politics, culture, travel, The Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), New
York City and the Queens neighborhood of Ridgewood by a progressive
New York City Presbyterian Pastor. John is a former member of the
Witherspoon board, and is designated pastor of North Presbyterian
Church in Flushing, NY.
John Shuck’s Shuck and Jive
A Presbyterian minister, currently
serving as pastor of First Presbyterian Church of Elizabethton,
Tenn., blogs about spirituality, culture, religion (both organized
and disorganized), life, evolution, literature, Jesus, and
Got more blogs to recommend?
send a note, and we'll see what we can do!