Just for Fun
"Angels fly because they take
In the firm belief that laughing is generally better than crying, we offer here
a few tidbits of humor.
Another look at religion and "sexual purity"
Your webweaver received this recently from Berry
Craig, a frequent contributor to Network News and this website.
In her radio show, Dr
Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew,
homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and
cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is
an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet. It's
HILARIOUS, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura: Thank
you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination .... End of
debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some
other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44
states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided
they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to
sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this
day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am
allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of
Menstrual uncleanliness -Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell?
I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull
on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for
the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor
is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor
who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he
should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself,
or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine
feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev.
11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't
agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states
that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my
sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision
have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male
friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their
temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How
should they die?
9. I know from Lev.
11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but
may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a
farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the
same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all
the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private
family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?
I know you have
studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable
expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you
again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
James M Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
(It would be a damn
shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
Creation – God blogs about it, and gets lots of comments
Yorker comes up with lots of interesting authors, but now they
provide us with a brief “blog” purportedly by God, reflecting on the
six days of work on creation.
God (or author Paul Simms) writes:
UPDATE: Pretty pleased with what I’ve come up
with in just six days. Going to take tomorrow off. Feel free to
check out what I’ve done so far. Suggestions and criticism
(constructive, please!) more than welcome. God out.
The first of 24 “comments”:
Not sure who this is for. Seems like a fix for
a problem that didn’t exist. Liked it better when the earth was
without form, and void, and darkness was on the face of the
Click here for the rest of the blog >>
Gap between rich and poor named 8th Wonder of the
From The Onion, January 24,
2011, Issue 47•04 [2-2-2011]
In the HUMOR DEPARTMENT: Leave it to
The Onion to speak the truth. Last week they published
Gap Between Rich and Poor Named 8th Wonder of the World. The
World Heritage Committee acknowledged it as the “most
colossal and enduring of mankind’s creations.”
The awe-inspiring gap.
From The Program on Inequality and the Common
PARIS—At a press conference Tuesday, the World
Heritage Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich
and Poor as the "Eighth Wonder of the World," describing the
global wealth divide as the "most colossal and enduring of
"Of all the epic structures the human race has
devised, none is more staggering or imposing than the Gap
Between Rich and Poor," committee chairman Henri Jean-Baptiste
said. "It is a tremendous, millennia-old expanse that fills us
with both wonder and humility."
"And thanks to careful maintenance through the
ages, this massive relic survives intact, instilling in each new
generation a sense of awe," Jean- Baptiste added.
The vast chasm of wealth, which stretches
across most of the inhabited world, attracts millions of stunned
observers each year, many of whom have found its immensity too
overwhelming even to contemplate. By far the largest man-made
structure on Earth, it is readily visible from locations as
far-flung as Eastern Europe, China, Africa, and Brazil, as well
as all 50 U.S. states.
THESE SHOULD BE IN THE DICTIONARY
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they
are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without
damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving
devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
And my personal favorite:
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar
to my character lines
Thanks to “Everything Is
Connected” - John
your WebWeaver continues to fall to the temptations of
post-Christmas chocolate, he shares this:
The Rules of Chocolate
If you get melted chocolate all over your
hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange
slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as
The problem: How to get two pounds of
chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each
It'll take the edge off your appetite and
you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your
total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate
on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they
will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
Why is there no such organization as
Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of
things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is
derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived
either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of
course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet
the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
John Jackson and his
Everything Is Connected Email
A LITTLE CHRISTMAS HUMOR
Oh, for the good old days when people would
stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money. ~
'Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!'
~ Ogden Nash
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
The Santa Claus at the mall was more than a
trifle surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years
old walked up and sat on his lap but Santa quickly recovered,
and started talking to the college-type "And what do you want
for Christmas?" asked Santa. "Something for my mother, " said
the young lady. "Bring for your mother? Well, that's what I call
thoughtful,'' smiled Santa. "What can I get her?" After thinking
for a moment, the girl brightened, turned to Santa and said:
"I'd like for her to get a son-in-law "
Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can
What if it had been three Wise Women instead
of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on
time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a
casserole, and brought practical gifts.
Thanks to “Everything Is
Connected - John Jackson's
All I Needed to Know About Life
I learned from Santa
Encourage people to believe in you.
Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
Make your presents known.
Always ask for a little bit more than what you
Bright red can make anyone look good.
Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how
many pounds you've gained.
If you only show up once a year, everyone will
think you're very important.
Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO,
from Everything Is Connected
- John Jackson's Email
Some not-too-pious thoughts for Advent and Christmas
People can't concentrate properly on blowing
other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts
suitable to the twenty-fifth of December. ~Ogden Nash
It was the day after Christmas at a church in
San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the
cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from
among the figures of the nativity set. Immediately he turned and
went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the
wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked
up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine
The little boy replied, "I got him from the
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before
Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he
would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride
around the block in it."
While working as a mall Santa, I had many
children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would
tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with
it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes, but
after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet.
Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he
would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another
from Everything Is Connected -
John Jackson's Email
Something to pass the time on this long election day —
of us who may find this election day rather long, the Rev. Bruce
Gillette has created a crossword puzzle to keep us occupied. Its
theme is no less exalted than
Presbyterians and Politics. It’s posted here in PDF
format, so you can print it out and carry it to your polling
place, or hold it through the long evening of election results.
WARNING: Page 3 contains the solution. Don’t
Thanks to Amelia Kroeger
A cautionary tale for
Grandparents. And others.
At one point during a game, the coach called
one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is
whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded yes.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know,
when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the
umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?'
The little boy nodded again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the
game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good
sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?'
Again, the little boy nodded.
'Good,' said the coach. 'Now go over there and
explain all that to your grandmother.'
John Jackson’s regular
e-mail, “Everything Is Connected"
A little PunFest -- if you dare!
Thanks to Ralph Garlin Clingan
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two
dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry,
sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns
to the other and says, "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving
once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost
my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies
"Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out
of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman delivers a set of identical twins and
decides to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked
the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they
didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses
on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This
made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good…..) a super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten
different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of
the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
And hey, why not contribute your own puns to
Just send a note
with your own contribution to the PunFest.
So I’m not alone in saying dumb things!
These goodies have come to us from John Jackson
Applicants for jobs at a company are asked to
fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list is
their high school and when they attended. One prospective
employee dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed
by the dates attended: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and
I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance
options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different
plans, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life
insurance. But he had one last question. “Now,” he said, “what
do I have to do to collect the money?”
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor.
“Is it true,” she asked, “that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes,” the doctor told
her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady
replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition,
because this prescription is marked ‘no refills’?”
Random Thoughts for the Day
1. I think
part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than
that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all
those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a
5. How the hell are you
supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive
7. Map Quest really needs to
start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get
out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot
more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last
time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good
John Jackson’s Everything Is
Children’s Prayers and Questions
Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in
church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
“See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
A mother was preparing
pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to
argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’ ”
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
A father was at the beach
with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed
his hand and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the
sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and
went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then
said, “Did God throw him back down?”
A Sunday school class
was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the
last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “thou shall not take
the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.”
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child
in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as
though he was ill, and asked, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my
side, I think I’m going to have a wife!”
John Jackson’s Everything Is
WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why do banks charge a fee on
'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough
Why does someone believe you
when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check
when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a
Why does Superman stop
bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what
color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear?
Is there ever a day that
mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly
return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will
Why is it that no plastic bag
will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get
into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you
attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear
|You can’t read this and
stay in a bad mood!
1. How do you
catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
3. How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.
4. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
5. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
6. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
7. What do you call Santa’s helpers?
8. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a
9. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and
A nervous wreck.
10. What’s the difference between roast beef and
Anyone can roast beef.
11. Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
It scares the dog.
12. Why did the Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
They wore their belt buckles on their
13. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and
a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes Wack, Dang! A bad skydiver
goes Dang! Wack.
14. How are a Texas tornado and an Tennessee
divorce the same?
Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.
Admit it – at least one of these made you smile.
Thanks to John Jackson
|THE ITALIAN TOMATO
An Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He
wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult
work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to
help him, was in prison. The father wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like
I won‘t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just
getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you
were here my troubles would be over. In know you would be happy
to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his
Don’t dig up the garden, that’s where the
bodies are buried.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left. The next day the father received
another letter from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s
the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you, Vinnie
Thanks to John
|A new perspective on Creation:
In the beginning God created good food (like broccoli
and all those good things), and the Devil came along and tempted
those poor humans with Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme
But if you're serious about understanding our
Biblical faith, you'll want to see the
whole thing -- a little PowerPoint presentation complete with a
hymn for background music. [Posted 4-20-09]
JOKES THAT CAN
BE TOLD IN CHURCH
* * * * *
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?
He answered “Call for backup.”
* * * * * *
A Sunday School teacher asked her
class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A
small child replied: “They couldn’t get a babysitter.”
* * * * * *
A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten
commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining
the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother” she asked
“Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?
Without missing a beat one little boy
answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
* * * * * *
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, “Johnny, what is the
Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my
side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
* * * * * * *
Two boys were walking home from Sunday School after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said
to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, “Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.”
* * * * * * *
Thanks to John Jackson for
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Law of Mechanical
After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll need to go
to the toilet.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.
The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random
If you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the
If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you
will have a flat tire.
If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you
are in now (works every time).
Law of the
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.
Law of Close
The probability of meeting someone you
know increases dramatically when you are with someone you
don't want to be seen with.
Law of the
When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.
Law of the
At any event, the people whose seats are
furthest from the aisle arrive last.
If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Logical
Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it.
If you don't feel well, and make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there
you'll feel better. If you don't make an appointment, you'll
Thanks to Bill Knox!
What wisdom can you add
to this list of Laws of the Universe?
Please send us a note,
to be shared here!
Installing Your Husband ...
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in
the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to
download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above
application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy
Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that
will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually
seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to
reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Thanks to the Rev. Jim Atwood, of Springfield , VA,
who forwarded this to us. He is, incidentally, the author of The
Leaven of Laughter for Lent and Easter and The Leaven of Laughter
for Advent and Christmas, which he says offer “stimulating quotes
and humorous stories listed according to the subjects one would deal
with in preaching or teaching during those seasons of the church year.”
Interested in the books?
Just send him a note.
WHY MEN ARE
Just Happier People –
What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans
take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be
President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a
water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you
The world is your urinal. You never have to
drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress
$5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the
slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she
can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap
problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts
for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually
hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all
seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your
nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the
women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it!
Thanks to the friend who sent this -- who perhaps should
Do your kids have trouble getting to sleep at night? Or
maybe you have that problem?
Try Armor of God PJs!!
Seriously. Some pious and creative soul is offering them
for sale. [8-28-06]
See for yourself
Replying to the Scientists’ Ball invitation
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn’t up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Dr. Jekyll declined – he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
Morse’s reply: "I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now must dash."
Audubon said he’d have to wing it.
Darwin said he’d have to see what evolved.
Descartes said he’d think about it.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Thanks to Witherspooner John Simpson,
who is also active in the Presbyterian Association of Science, Technology
and the Christian Faith. [6-20-06]
Know You’re Living In 2006 When...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You forgot how to play solitaire with real cards.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person sitting at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Thanks to Bill Knox
Best signs of the year??
You may have seen these
circulating on the web, but if you've missed them, here are some signs the
people have found ... well ... interesting, if not instructive. We're
leaving off the comments that are circulating with them, and inviting you to
create your own.
Here's the first of them.
Click here for the rest >>
California Here We Come
You may well have seen this proposal for a new United
States of Blue, but just in case you’ve missed it ...
By the way, the person who forwarded this to me headed
it "Calofornia Here We Come." That may bode ill for the whole venture.
Dear Red States,
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided
we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other
Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe
this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of
the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We
get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay
their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and antiwar, and
we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.
If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they
don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming
home We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but
we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of
the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's
quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of
all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S.
low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and
Seven Sister schools, plus Princeton, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, CalTech and
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92
percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90
percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually
100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 percent of
those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62
percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or
gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals than we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely, the happy citizens of New California.
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.
St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming
Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."
Thanks to Barbara Battin
10 Things You Never Hear in Church
It's my turn to sit in the front pew!
2. I was
so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV
volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School
the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so she can live
like we do.
7. I love
it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
we're all here, let's start the service early.
Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual
"Stuart Robertson, aka
his Yahoo Groups e-list
If you're feeling no too bright, as
your WebWeaver sometimes does ("Just sometimes?" you may ask.) Take a
look at these quotes, and feel brighter.
Question: If you could live forever,
would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever,
because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live
forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994
Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor
starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to
be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've
lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any
other part of my body."
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has
one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry,
"Half this game is ninety percent
manager, Danny Ozark
"I love California. I practically grew up
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
How much clean air do we need?"
"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in
football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL
football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We
simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman,
"Traditionally, most of Australia's
imports come from overseas."
"Your food stamps will be stopped
effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May
God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your
--Department of Social
Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can
plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead,
there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC
....Feeling smarter yet?
For the most recently retired jokes
(like, most of them are from 2004!)
For some humor that's been on this page a while and is now
deemed worthy of being Honorably Retired, click
And for humor that's not quite as elderly,
And now the newest old jokes have migrated
to another page.
Don't worry -- the jokes won't be too stale.
We keep them all frozen up here in Minnesota.
Thanks to Bill Knox, Harold Barton and Harry Smith
Now, what can you contribute??
Just send it along!
Some blogs worth visiting
Mitch Trigger, PVJ's
Secretary/Communicator, has created a Facebook page where
Witherspoon members and others can gather to exchange news and
views. Mitch and a few others have posted bits of news, both
personal and organizational. But there’s room for more!
You can post your own news and views,
or initiate a conversation about a topic of interest to you.
for Life" website
Long-time and stimulating blogger John Shuck,
a Presbyterian minister currently
serving as pastor of First Presbyterian Church of Elizabethton,
Tenn., writes about spirituality, culture, religion (both organized
and disorganized), life, evolution, literature, Jesus, and
Click here for his blog posts.
Click here for podcasts of his radio program, which "explores
the intersection of religion, social justice and public life."
John Harris’ Summit to
Theological and philosophical
reflections on everything between summit to shore, including
kayaking, climbing, religion, spirituality, philosophy, theology,
The Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), New York City and the Queens
neighborhood of Ridgewood -- by a progressive New York City
Presbyterian Pastor. John is a former member of the Witherspoon
board, and is designated pastor of North Presbyterian Church in
Voices of Sophia blog
Heather Reichgott, who has created
this new blog for Voices of Sophia, introduces it:
After fifteen years of scholarship
and activism, Voices of Sophia presents a blog. Here, we present the
voices of feminist theologians of all stripes: scholars, clergy,
students, exiles, missionaries, workers, thinkers, artists, lovers
and devotees, from many parts of the world, all children of the God
in whose image women are made. .... This blog seeks to glorify God
through prayer, work, art, and intellectual reflection. Through
articles and ensuing discussion we hope to become an active and
Got more blogs to recommend?
send a note, and we'll see what we can do!